9 Classic Video Game Druggies
If you haven’t noticed, it’s a fairly slow day in the news world.
I enjoy lists. They are fun. Being that it’s a slow news day, I decided to take matter into my own hands. While I’m coming up with some other clever things for you, I hoped to share this list I originally posted on my personal site a few months back. Sure, I’m recycling a post – but only about 1.5 people and a tortoise named Dilworth read it on the other site, so forgive me and pretend, because I might as well have compiled it this morning.
As one would expect, there are a lot of strange and interesting characters to be met in the world of video games. The ones in this list are clearly not your average weirdo. Obviously, they are all fixed up with some type of special sauce that makes them the way they are.
9. The Battletoads
These are fighting toads that battle evil. Named Rash and Zitz, they use their anthromorphic superhero fighting powers to save their friends Pimple and Princess Angelica from the Dark Queen. Their methods of finishing off enemies range from spawning ram horns to clubbing baddies with a giant fist. Clearly on steroids and possibly overdosing on allergy medication, they side-scroll their way through the Planet Ragnarok with ease.
8. Toejam & Earl
Is there really anything sober about these two? ToeJam has three legs and a Flava Flav style clock around his neck, while Earl is a fatass thug in oversized bermuda shorts. They both rock a pair of Chuck Taylors and run amok catching people in jars, using their “funk powers” and just act funky. Clearly on some form of speed, these two have gone the rap superstar route and are wacked out of their minds. Just look at that screenshot – is that a city in the background or Earl’s heart rate?
7. Bugenhagen
This old as sin nutter from Final Fantasy VII lives alone in Cosmo Canyon. While he’s capable of unraveling life’s unspoken connections, the talking wolf dog he has as a grandson doesn’t strike him as the least bit strange. He also has no legs, but that doesn’t stop old Bugenhagen, as his bottom orb part allows him to hover about as he preaches philosophical nonsense and discusses astrology. There’s no doubt this fellow is constantly overdosing on morphine, making his mind muddled with jibberish. He dulls the pain from his loss of legs, but suffers from phantom limb syndrome.
6. Claris Sinclair/ Elliot Edwards
These two children from Nights have clearly been naughty. One dreams of singing for crowds on the big stage, while one has aspirations of becoming a professional basketball player. Obviously dreaming big, these two enter a coke-induced stupor every night and fly around with a sparkly mute jester stealing Red Ideya. At least I think that’s what it’s all about. This game is so drugged out that nobody’s completely sure what the hell is going on.
5. Sander Cohen
In an underwater world full of creepy weepies and cooky wookys, Sander Cohen is the nuttiest nut in the peanut butter cup. A man of the arts and stage, Sander calls the theatre in the Fort Frolic section of Rapture his home. This fellow from Bioshock has more issues than the rest of the cast combined, hooking pianists up to explosive pianos, making sculptures out of humans frozen in plaster, and living in a very chilling room full of Donny Darko-esque bunny masks. He lives for the masquerade, and his drug of choice is obviously anything he can get his white gloved hands on. Don’t bother the splicers dancing a waltz in his flooded living room, or he’ll kick your ass hardcore.
4. Kirby
Not only is Kirby on drugs, he might as well be a drug. This portly pink marshmallow of a thing likes to suck in his enemies and spit them out, or digest them and take on their special abilities. He can also float, both on water and in air. He has bags under his eyes from all the junk he feeds into his system. I really don’t have any more of an argument about why Kirby is a druggie, and have run out of quasi-clever things to make up. But really, just look at the thing… what the hell kind of thing is this?
3. Otis Washington
Besides being a total turd, this fellow is high out of his mind. Tens of thousands of zombies are flooding Parkview Mall, this fellow is one of the lone survivors with no real guarantee of rescue, and he’s radioing you to tell you to pick up some threads when you are near clothing stores? This is what is important to him right now? He is devoid of any sense of urgency and never has anything useful to say. “Hey Frank, there’s a guy in a jewelry store. He looks upset. Looks like he’s been through some rough stuff.” You think so, Otis? You think it might be the 7,000 zombies surrounding him? Christ, pal… lay off the smack for a second.
2. Mario & Luigi
This one was a given. Going up and down big green pipes, collecting coins, stomping on tiny mushroom people, dodging fireballs and cannonballs with faces on them, thwarting big green dinosaur men, riding down flagpoles, crushing bricks… what aren’t these brothers on? In reality, the Mario Brothers are probably face down on a concrete floor behind a door that says MEN suffocating on a pile of their own vomit. But, in their minds, and on our TV screens, we’re tackling koopas and going from castle to castle before finally rescuing that pathetic Princess. Just look at Luigi in that picture, wiping the coke off from under his nose.
1. Chris Redfield
Make no mistake, Chris is not alone here. Equally guilty parties include Jill Valentine, Leon Kennedy, Claire Redfield, Ada Wong and the rest of the gang. In a world full of flesh-eating zombies where the only methods of self-medicating are huffing fumes from an aerosol can or eating a green herb, there’s clearly no bigger potheads alive than the Resident Evil gang. The green herbs are the bomb, but mix in some red plant and you’ve got yourself a hell of a way to fix gaping wounds caused by human teeth – or at least a mental distraction from the pain.
And there you have it. Clearly this is all solid fact, so don’t argue.
Got an idea for another Top ___ List of ____ that you’d like to see? Let us know! We’ll be on it like packaging tape on itself.
